Keystone Kriminals

The TV show Sons of Anarchy is a cross between Breaking Bad, Jerry Springer, Gilligan’s Island, and Hogan’s Heroes. It’s unintentionally funny in many ways. Apparently the Anarchy in the show’s title doesn’t refer to chaos sowed by the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle gang through their gun running and other illegal activities, but rather the problems caused by their crime-related ineptitude and sociopathic interpersonal relationships. If cookies were illegal, these guys would have problems competing with the Girl Scouts without destroying everyone and everything around them.

Here’s a drinking game you can play while watching Sons. Take a shot when:

A Son’s plan goes wrong.

A Son says you have my guarantee.

A Son says no one’s going to get hurt.

A Son says none of this will blow back on you.

A Son says this will benefit everyone.

A Son says family is everything.

A Son says you’re like family to me.

A Son says I love you.

A Son swears off family or friends.

A Son plots against family or friends.

A Son murders family or friends.

And who smuggles guns into the United States? That’s like smuggling cocaine into Columbia.

Worst. Criminals. Ever.

But still entertaining.

Godzilla vs. Godzilla

Based on tomatometer ratings I'm clearly in the minority, but I thought the much maligned 1998 Godzilla movie was better than the 2014 version. Movies involving giant monsters or robots are easier to swallow if they don’t take themselves too seriously. Unfortunately Godzilla 2014, unlike the 1998 version, takes itself way too seriously. It’s a completely humorless film.

It’s certainly much closer than Godzilla 1998 to the movies I watched as a kid. I still remember those badly dubbed Japanese films nostalgically, but come on, men dressed in rubber monster suits fighting each other while destroying a miniature set of a city isn’t exactly the basis for high drama.

And how do you make a Godzilla movie without any Godzilla? Seriously, there’s like a minute of screen time when you can clearly see him. Here’s a scene of Godzilla on a moonless night. Here’s a scene of Godzilla in the debris cloud from a collapsed building. Here’s a scene of Godzilla’s back as he’s swimming.

On the other hand, no atomic breath? You’ve got to be kidding me Godzilla 1998.

Lavalantula

You only have to watch one of the SyFy channel’s “combo” movies to discover that their awesome titles are ruined by actually watching the movie. Seriously, how could you go wrong with gems like these:

Dinosaur + Crocodile = Dinocroc
Man + Mosquito = Mansquito
Shark + Octopus = Sharktopus
Dinosaur + Shark = Dinoshark
Piranha + Anaconda = Piranhaconda
Shark + Tornado = Sharknado

And now with their latest movie, Lavalantula, they’ve managed to botch the title as well.



How do you combine “lava” and “tarantula”, words containing a total of two ‘l’ letters, and get “Lavalantula”, a word containing three ‘l’ letters? It’s baffling.

And the title needs to evocatively roll off your tongue. Lavalantula sounds too much like Lollapalooza. There’s nothing scary about a movie festival.

So if you’re reading my blog SyFy channel, here’s a million dollar movie title for you:

Tarantula + Avalanche = Tarantulanche

Now that’s scary.