Mutant Homecoming: Disney Acquires Fox

First it was Spider-Man. Now it's the X-Men and Fantastic Four. We really don't need another megacorp, but as a fanboy, this is exciting.

Captain America V. (Batman V. Superman)

Not even close: Captain America: Civil War.

It's hard to understand how Warner Brothers turns out fantastic animation based on the DC source material, but has no clue how to make a live action adaptation.

Superhero Realism

The Rawness on Why I Hated the Dark Knight:

There are two problems with this movie’s “realistic” angle. First, Christopher Nolan seems to think “realistic” is simply another word for “boring.” Almost everything that makes the Batman character fantastic and larger than life is excised, probably because Nolan finds these elements silly and unrealistic. Batman’s fighting style is toned down so that he’s not doing any high-flying gymnastics or flashy martial arts, just a visually dull fight style consisting of extreme, incomprehensible close-ups on repetitive body blows, elbows and arm grabs. And even worse, these fights are all shot in the dark with lots of quick cuts, which I guess is somehow supposed to increase the realism through incoherency.

We have a boring Batmobile with no bat insignias, oversized scallops or anything that indicates it’s supposed to have a Bat-theme. Because driving a cool-looking bat-shaped car would just be too ridiculous. Joker can’t have permawhite skin like the comics because that’s also unrealistic, so he just wears sloppy face paint.

When I bring up how dark, dreary and joylessly boring this movie is, people respond “it’s supposed to be realistic.” Why’s the fighting and action so badly shot and dull? “It’s supposed to be realistic.” Why’s Gotham City so bland and generic now and no longer has a unique character and design like in other Batman adaptations? “Realism.” And so on and so on.

Which leads to my second problem with all this realism: IT’S A MOVIE ABOUT A BILLIONAIRE WHO TRAVELS THE WORLD IN ORDER TO BECOME THE WORLD’S SMARTEST, MOST HIGH-TECH CRIMEFIGHTING NINJA THAT EVER EXISTED, THEN RETURNS TO HIS HOMETOWN TO DRESS AS A GIANT BAT, DRIVE A WEAPONS-LOADED MINITANK, AND CLEAN UP ALL THE CRIME IN THE CITY BY ESSENTIALLY SINGLEHANDEDLY PUNCHING IT IN THE FACE EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. AND NOW HE’S GOING TO FIGHT AN EVIL CLOWN. So please tell me…what type of mental case creates or watches a movie with a premise so clearly meant to be inherently ridiculous and then turns around DEMANDS REALISM?

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Surely, I hoped, when Batman and Superman were together in the same movie, the filmmakers would come to the conclusion that there's no plausible and logically consistent explanation for superheroes keeping their secret identities hidden and they just wouldn't bother trying to create one.

How can Superman, frequently seen in the light of day by the people of Metropolis, hide in plain sight as Clark Kent by wearing a pair of glasses, while Batman, seen mostly a night by criminals, must disguise his voice in addition to wearing a mask to keep his identity secret?

Sigh. One can hope.

Unfortunately, in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice they kept the bat voice. To their credit, it wasn't the cringe inducing, laughably non-scary, are you trying to hide your identity or do you have a cold, voice created by Christian Bale in the Dark Knight trilogy, but rather a low guttural voice created by electronics in Batman's suit. It actually made his voice sound menacing so I just went with it for that reason.

Then I saw Ben Affleck on The Graham Norton Show where he explained that the bat voice was used to protect Batman's secret identity as well-known billionaire Bruce Wayne.

Sigh.

Filmmakers, if you need an explanation for secret identities, here's the only one you'll need.

It's make believe.

Make believe there's a secret lair beneath your house. Make believe you can fly and shoot laser beams out of your eyes. Make believe that you're secretly a crime fighting vigilante.

And when you're done trying to make the implausible plausible, you can focus on writing a decent story.

Fear the Walking Dumb

One of the things I like about Aliens is that the protagonists are cocky going into their first encounter with the xenomorphs ("Is this going to be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?"), get schooled ("Maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events; but we just got our asses kicked, pal!"), and then quickly start making intelligent decisions ("I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."). It's a series of events that plausibly place the characters in jeopardy.

So is it too much to ask that the main characters in zombie stories aren't all Darwin Award winner wannabes? I'm not saying that the stories need to directly acknowledge and address the large body of zombie apocalypse tropes from movies, TV, comics, and books (á la Scream or The Cabin in the Woods).

But when a character is repeatedly attacked by mute, slow moving family, friends, and acquaintances, maybe it's time for that character to show some caution and foresight around people who, you know, look dead.

Just saying'.

The Prodigal Son Returns

Sony Pictures Entertainment Brings Marvel Studios into the Amazing World of Spider-Man:

Under the deal, the new Spider-Man will first appear in a Marvel film from Marvel's Cinematic Universe (MCU). Sony Pictures will thereafter release the next installment of its $4 billion Spider-Man franchise, on July 28, 2017, in a film that will be co-produced by Kevin Feige and his expert team at Marvel and Amy Pascal, who oversaw the franchise launch for the studio 13 years ago. Together, they will collaborate on a new creative direction for the web slinger. Sony Pictures will continue to finance, distribute, own and have final creative control of the Spider-Man films.

It’s hard to think of a $4 billion dollar franchise as a failure, but nonetheless the last three Spider-Man movies have been creatively disappointing. I'm hopeful that the second reboot will breathe new life into the ailing franchise.

Most filmgoers are likely unaware that in the 1990s Marvel sold the movie rights to many of its most popular characters including Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four, and the X-Men. As this infographic from the Geek Twins illustrates, at the end of 2014 Spider-Man lived in a world of his own. Without a deal, he was unable to appear in the wider world of character rights still owned by Marvel.



So the studio that was able to turn a group of second tier characters into a cinematic blockbuster generating universe, now has a big gun in its arsenal. I’m all atingle.

Secret Identities

Grounded in reality. That’s the hot trend being used almost exclusively in DC Comics superhero movies and television shows involving characters such as Batman, Superman, and Green Arrow.

Grounded in misunderstanding is what I’d called it.

Case in point: secret identities.

Here’s a typical line of reasoning from What ‘Man Of Steel’ Gets Right About Lois Lane:

It’s long been the running gag of the Superman universe – that the world’s populace and his closest friends are unable to comprehend that Superman and Clark Kent are one in the same, only one of them happens to be wearing glasses. While it is somewhat conceivable that Supes’ fans and Clark’s acquaintances are too knuckle-headed to see the truth (particularly in the early days of his existence, as we suspect that modern day Superman will have some major problems when it comes to social media, smart phones, and citizen reportership), it’s always been dunderheaded that Superman’s perennial love interest, Lois Lane, is consistently in the dark as to who is who. The main issue with the lovely Lois not seeing the obvious is that she is not only a highly intelligent woman, she is a woman who investigates things for a living. Rooting out truths and seeing beyond the status quo is not only what Lois does, but it’s who she is. Open your eyes, Lois!

This logic leads to an inevitable conclusion:

This is all a longwinded way of saying that we’re used to Lois Lane not knowing who Superman really is, and it’s a tremendous relief that this particular element of the story (no matter how traditional and accepted it may be) is excised almost immediately in Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel.

The problem with this line of reasoning is that it never goes far enough.

Nothing about the the superhero genre stands up to logical scrutiny. Not the superpowers that defy the laws of science; not the costumes; and certainly not the secret identities. The Incredibles had it dead right: if superheroes actually existed, they’d be sued into seclusion.

It’s not “somewhat conceivable that Supes’ fans and Clark’s acquaintances are too knuckle-headed to see the truth.” Once Superman reveals himself, it doesn’t require an investigative reporter to uncover his secret; a child could do it.

Our brains are too good at recognizing faces and voices to be fooled by superficial disguises. If you can recognize the actor doing a voice-over in a commercial, you can recognize Peter Parker’s voice through Spider-Man’s mask. A pair of glasses, a slouch, and a mild-mannered persona are simply not an effective disguise (unless you’re Count Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events).

Take the test yourself. See if you can match each of the Clark Kents on the left with the Superman on the right.



The correct answers are A8, B7, C5, D2, E3, F4, G1, and H6. If you missed any, make an appointment with your eye doctor or neurologist immediately.

If you’re being intellectually honest, you’d have to admit that there’s no way Superman could keep his secret identity hidden once he revealed himself to the world. Realistically, it’s inevitable that everyone should come to know that the boy raised as Clark Kent is the hero known as Superman.

And it would be a huge mistake to buy into that “realism.”

Clark is what binds Superman to humanity. Clark is what makes him one of us, not some alien with god-like powers.

It gives him something to lose. He wants to belong. How can he walk among as, as one of us, when we’re aware of his powers. People tend to be a little reserved when they know you can incinerate them with a look.

In short, secret identities are plot devices used to introduce conflict into the story and allow the audience to more easily identify with superheroes through their “normal” alter egos. They’re not intended to be plausibly realistic.

So the next time you watch a movie or TV show and the superhero distorts their voice to protect their identity, ask yourself: does this really make the story more plausible or does it just highlight the implausibility of the entire concept. Wouldn’t it be easier just to accept the conventions of the genre rather than expect a “fix” for them?

If you can believe a man can fly, go one step further and believe in secret identities. Otherwise you’re just saying “I can totally believe in Gandalf and all his magical powers, unless of course he’s wearing a mask and no one can recognize him, in which case it totally ruins the story for me.”

And if you absolutely insist on an explanation for how a superhero keeps their identity secret, go with super-hypnosis. It’s certainly more plausible than anything Christopher Nolan, Zack Snyder, or The CW has given us.

Realistic Musicals

When I become Earth Overlord, I'm going to put the kibosh on these so-called realistic superhero movies and TV shows. They’re oxymoronic. If you think Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy is awesomely believable, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re sadly mistaken. 

Here’s the deal: superheroes are like musicals. In real life no one starts spontaneously singing and dancing to snappy show tunes, but that’s pretty much what makes a musical a musical. So you can take the singing, dancing, and humor out of Fiddler on the Roof and call it dark and gritty, but you can't call it a musical. Similarly there are elements of the classic superhero genre that define it. You can’t remove these for realism without redefining the genre. And let’s be really honest; the superhero as depicted in classic comics such as Batman is far more than one or two tiny tweaks away from being realistic. Forget about aliens, radiation-induced superpowers, and magic. The logistics of maintaining a secret identity, changing into costume, and getting to and from your secret lair are realistically insurmountable. Having your superhero speak in a husky voice doesn’t solve any of these issues and in fact draws attention to the unrealistic aspects of the story. There’s a reason why the Batman voice schtick from the Dark Knight trilogy is so frequently parodied: it sounds stupid. Kevin Conroy from Batman: The Animated Series—which is arguably the best Batman to come out of Hollywood—has already solved the problem of using different voices for Bruce Wayne and Batman without sounding like an idiot. There was no need for another solution.

Here’s a thought: If you’re embarrassed by the conventions of the superhero genre, don’t make a superhero movie. If you can buy into Superman shooting fire out of his eyes, but can’t buy into his ‘pair of glasses’ disguise, then maybe you need to make another type of film. Or rather than fixing established characters that aren’t broken in the first place, how about creating new ones that you can make as realistic as you want. Films like Unbreakable and Chronicle come to mind. And if you still insist on making a “realistic” superhero movie, you might want to make the whole thing realistic. Start by getting rid of the part where Bruce Wayne’s broken back is fixed by shoving his spine back into his body and then suspending him from a rope until it mends.