Disappointed Yet Again

When I am Earth Overlord, it will be a crime to create a TV series without a detailed plan for bringing it to a satisfying conclusion. This decree will be retroactive for Game of Thrones.

DoNots

When I am Earth Overlord, it will be a crime for donut shops to be open but not have any donuts available. That's just wrong.

Hey Idiot, Rotate Your Phone

When I am Earth Overlord, smartphones will deliver an electric shock if you try to record video in portrait orientation.

Special My Ass

When I am Earth Overlord, TV shows advertised as a special episode airing on a different night must be called what they are: reruns.

Current Boxholder

When I am Earth Overlord, postal mail addressed to current resident or boxholder will be forbidden. Catalogs and other junk mail will be opt-in. Violators of these edicts will be thrown into a 6' by 8' jail cell.

The same cell.

For all violators.

My guards will just keep pushing until all of them fit.

Clinton vs. Trump

Holy Kang vs. Kodos!

It’s Just A Dream

When I’m Earth Overlord, all dream sequences in movies and TV shows must be approved by my Ministry for the Eradication of Overused Tropes.

AUTUER: Oh no! Little Johnny fell down a well and can’t get out!

MINISTRY: What?!

AUTUER: Ha ha. I’m kidding. It’s just a dream having little to no importance to the plot, but it made a great clip to put in this week’s preview. Can I interest you in a cat jumping out from an unexpected place?

MINISTRY: Oh no! It’s the dungeons for you!

AUTUER: What?!

MINISTRY: Ha ha. We’re kidding. Your show is cancelled.

Found Footage Needs to Get Lost

When I'm Earth Overlord, I'm going to ban found footage films for the greater artistic good.

It is not beneath my notice that many of the unwashed masses enjoy these films. In fact, that’s the problem. When a movie costing $15,000 grosses $193,355,800, that guarantees an endless supply of copycat films attempting to exploit the public’s lack of taste.

Seriously, once you’ve seen herky-jerky nausea-inducing footage from a video cam held by someone running full flight through a forest at night, you can check that off your bucket list and live a complete life without ever having that experience again.

If there’s anything that M. Night Shyamalan has taught us, it’s that one gimmick movies quickly lose their luster (if they had any in the first place). When’s the last time anyone saw a movie in Smell-O-Vision?

And don’t get me started on the 3D movie craze.

Playing the Nazi Card

There was a political group handing out literature by the post office when I picked up my mail the other week. They used these signs to attract attention:



I was reminded of Lewis Black’s thoughtful rant on Nazi Tourette’s:


When I’m Earth Overlord, my subjects will be free to criticize my enlightened rule without fear of reprisal.

The only exception will be for those who compare me or my governance to Hitler and the Nazis. Those people and anyone even remotely related to them will just disappear.

Now that’s something the Nazis would do, but the Volk will have to be content referring to such acts as evil.

At least there won’t be idiots loitering outside the post office.

Valentine’s Day Candy

The month of February brings two seasonal candies of note. One is Conversation Hearts, the crack cocaine of the candy world. The box is labeled as a single serving, but you can buy them in packages of eight and that’s typically the amount you’ll eat in a single sitting. Just make sure they’re Brach’s Classic Flavors—The Necco brand isn’t as tasty and the tart varieties of the hearts are just plain wrong.



SweeTARTS Hearts also become available this time of year and like traditional conversation hearts have messages on them. However if you think all SweeTARTS are the same, think again. These aren’t just SweeTARTS pressed into a different shape—Bite into these and they crumble apart into a powder that melts away in your mouth. Mmmmm. It’s a welcome change from the SweeTARTs that come in rolls; those require some serious mastication to get at their sugary treasures.



And while we’re on the subject of SweeTARTS, when I’m Earth Overlord the production of blue raspberry and green apple SweeTARTS will be prohibited. The usurpers will be replaced with the original rightful flavors of lemon and lime.

Packaging

When I’m Earth Overlord, there will be strict edicts on packaging that's difficult to remove without industrial strength tools, product damage, or bodily injury. In my magnificent justness, guilt and punishment will be adjudicated through trial by packaging. Violators will be chained to the bottom of a pit which fills with water in two minutes. The key to their bonds, life, and innocence will be placed inside their own packaging.

Realistic Musicals

When I become Earth Overlord, I'm going to put the kibosh on these so-called realistic superhero movies and TV shows. They’re oxymoronic. If you think Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight trilogy is awesomely believable, I’m sorry to inform you that you’re sadly mistaken. 

Here’s the deal: superheroes are like musicals. In real life no one starts spontaneously singing and dancing to snappy show tunes, but that’s pretty much what makes a musical a musical. So you can take the singing, dancing, and humor out of Fiddler on the Roof and call it dark and gritty, but you can't call it a musical. Similarly there are elements of the classic superhero genre that define it. You can’t remove these for realism without redefining the genre. And let’s be really honest; the superhero as depicted in classic comics such as Batman is far more than one or two tiny tweaks away from being realistic. Forget about aliens, radiation-induced superpowers, and magic. The logistics of maintaining a secret identity, changing into costume, and getting to and from your secret lair are realistically insurmountable. Having your superhero speak in a husky voice doesn’t solve any of these issues and in fact draws attention to the unrealistic aspects of the story. There’s a reason why the Batman voice schtick from the Dark Knight trilogy is so frequently parodied: it sounds stupid. Kevin Conroy from Batman: The Animated Series—which is arguably the best Batman to come out of Hollywood—has already solved the problem of using different voices for Bruce Wayne and Batman without sounding like an idiot. There was no need for another solution.

Here’s a thought: If you’re embarrassed by the conventions of the superhero genre, don’t make a superhero movie. If you can buy into Superman shooting fire out of his eyes, but can’t buy into his ‘pair of glasses’ disguise, then maybe you need to make another type of film. Or rather than fixing established characters that aren’t broken in the first place, how about creating new ones that you can make as realistic as you want. Films like Unbreakable and Chronicle come to mind. And if you still insist on making a “realistic” superhero movie, you might want to make the whole thing realistic. Start by getting rid of the part where Bruce Wayne’s broken back is fixed by shoving his spine back into his body and then suspending him from a rope until it mends.