Disappointed Yet Again

When I am Earth Overlord, it will be a crime to create a TV series without a detailed plan for bringing it to a satisfying conclusion. This decree will be retroactive for Game of Thrones.

DoNots

When I am Earth Overlord, it will be a crime for donut shops to be open but not have any donuts available. That's just wrong.

Hey Idiot, Rotate Your Phone

When I am Earth Overlord, smartphones will deliver an electric shock if you try to record video in portrait orientation.

Special My Ass

When I am Earth Overlord, TV shows advertised as a special episode airing on a different night must be called what they are: reruns.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Surely, I hoped, when Batman and Superman were together in the same movie, the filmmakers would come to the conclusion that there's no plausible and logically consistent explanation for superheroes keeping their secret identities hidden and they just wouldn't bother trying to create one.

How can Superman, frequently seen in the light of day by the people of Metropolis, hide in plain sight as Clark Kent by wearing a pair of glasses, while Batman, seen mostly a night by criminals, must disguise his voice in addition to wearing a mask to keep his identity secret?

Sigh. One can hope.

Unfortunately, in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice they kept the bat voice. To their credit, it wasn't the cringe inducing, laughably non-scary, are you trying to hide your identity or do you have a cold, voice created by Christian Bale in the Dark Knight trilogy, but rather a low guttural voice created by electronics in Batman's suit. It actually made his voice sound menacing so I just went with it for that reason.

Then I saw Ben Affleck on The Graham Norton Show where he explained that the bat voice was used to protect Batman's secret identity as well-known billionaire Bruce Wayne.

Sigh.

Filmmakers, if you need an explanation for secret identities, here's the only one you'll need.

It's make believe.

Make believe there's a secret lair beneath your house. Make believe you can fly and shoot laser beams out of your eyes. Make believe that you're secretly a crime fighting vigilante.

And when you're done trying to make the implausible plausible, you can focus on writing a decent story.

To Boldly Go Where Everyone Has Gone Before

CBS has announced plans for a new Star Trek TV series that will air in January 2017. The first episode will premiere on the CBS TV network and subsequent episodes will be available on the paid CBS All Access streaming service.

Good luck with that.

If CBS management pulled their collective heads out of their collective rears, they might be able to spot the three mountain size hurdles in their path to success.

First, as I've discussed before, CBS has the most customer hostile streaming policies of any of the major networks.

Missed the last few minutes of your show because the beginning was delayed? Have fun streaming it on demand because there's no way to fast forward. And you're burdened with this streaming restriction even if you're watching it through your cable provider, who presumably you've already paid for the "privilege" of watching CBS.

Looking at the iPhone app reviews for the big three networks shows just how far behind CBS is in customer satisfaction for their streaming service:

People are only going to watch this new Star Trek series if the show is so good that they're willing to endure a horrible viewing experience. And that brings us to the second hurdle.

CBS's recent track record with science fiction is not that good. No one's going to pay for pablum like Extant or Under The Dome. There's plenty of bad science fiction series available for free, but more importantly, there's also plenty of good science fiction series available for free. This new Star Trek series needs to be as good, if not better, than a series like Battlestar Galactica, and that needs to be apparent from the very first episode. Which brings us to the third and final hurdle.

The Star Trek TV franchise is creatively bankrupt. The film franchise reboot achieved success by focusing on the action/adventure aspects of the stories. A weekly TV show is not going to be able to compete with the special effects budget of a film. That means the TV show needs to excel at plot and character development, areas in which each Star Trek TV series in general has been progressively worse than its predecessors.

I've watched every episode of all five live action Star Trek TV series, but the idea of a new series that follows in the creative footsteps of the shows that came before it leaves me completely unexcited. I've had my fill of technobabble and cookie cutter crews.

It would be nice to be pleasantly surprised by the preview episode and watch something that's radically different from what we've seen before while still being familiar as Star Trek, but I'm not holding my breath. And I'm not paying for CBS All Access. If the series ends up being worth watching I'll wait for it on blu-ray.

Current Boxholder

When I am Earth Overlord, postal mail addressed to current resident or boxholder will be forbidden. Catalogs and other junk mail will be opt-in. Violators of these edicts will be thrown into a 6' by 8' jail cell.

The same cell.

For all violators.

My guards will just keep pushing until all of them fit.

Old Proverb Update

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Unfortunately, there's some who'd rather starve than learn.

Fear the Walking Dumb

One of the things I like about Aliens is that the protagonists are cocky going into their first encounter with the xenomorphs ("Is this going to be a standup fight, sir, or another bughunt?"), get schooled ("Maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events; but we just got our asses kicked, pal!"), and then quickly start making intelligent decisions ("I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."). It's a series of events that plausibly place the characters in jeopardy.

So is it too much to ask that the main characters in zombie stories aren't all Darwin Award winner wannabes? I'm not saying that the stories need to directly acknowledge and address the large body of zombie apocalypse tropes from movies, TV, comics, and books (á la Scream or The Cabin in the Woods).

But when a character is repeatedly attacked by mute, slow moving family, friends, and acquaintances, maybe it's time for that character to show some caution and foresight around people who, you know, look dead.

Just saying'.

Busted

Just seconds away from a cabinet full of paper towel confetti.

Texas Rising

History Channel’s ‘Texas Rising’ goes beyond Alamo siege:

The landscape in “Texas Rising” mostly looks and feels like Texas, but without all the skyscrapers and air conditioning. It’s hot, dusty and scrubby. At one point, though, Sam Houston, elegantly played by Bill Paxton with some killer sideburns, sets up camp on a mountain with a stunning view — even though there would not have been breathtaking vistas where Houston and the Texas Rangers were plotting to defeat the Mexican army.

“Those early episodes were all shot in Durango, Mexico,” said David Marion Wilkinson, a writer and co-producer on the project. “The settings don’t match. San Jacinto was all piney woods and bayous. Gonzales is flat land and farm land. ... But this is entertainment. I don’t think the geography is going to bother too many people.”

It bothered me.

Culinary Help Desk

If questions about common activities were as inane as some programming questions I’ve seen:

I tried to make a peanut butter sandwich and couldn't figure out how to do it. Can someone tell me what I'm doing wrong? I need an answer ASAP. I'm hungry.

The Fifth Orientation

The newly discovered fifth orientation of toilet paper on the holder. Previously thought to be ridiculously improbable when there are six rolls of toilet paper in the cabinet within arm’s reach.

WTF?! Seriously?

That’s Not What He Said

You’d think people who wrote for a living would have a love of words, carefully picking and choosing them to convey precise meaning.

Here’s the headline from a Toronto Sun article on an interview with Robert Downey Jr. about Guardians of the Galaxy:

Robert Downey Jr.: ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ the best Marvel movie yet

And here’s eight more headlines from other sources picking up the story:

Robert Downey Jr. Says ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’ Is The Best Marvel Movie

Robert Downey Jr. Calls ‘Guardians Of The Galaxy’ Marvel’s Best Movie

Robert Downey Jr. describes Guardians Of The Galaxy as best Marvel movie yet

Robert Downey Jr. Declares Guardians Of The Galaxy The Best Marvel Movie Ever

Robert Downey Jr. admits 'Guardians of the Galaxy' is the best Marvel movie

Robert Downey Jr. Thinks ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’ Might Be the ‘Best Marvel Movie Ever’

Robert Downey Jr. Puts His Ego Aside, Admits Guardians Of The Galaxy Is The Best Marvel Movie

Robert Downey Jr. Praises ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’

Guess which headline is most accurate?

Congratulations if you chose “Robert Downey Jr. Praises ‘Guardians of the Galaxy’.”

Here’s the section from the Toronto Sun article quoting Downey:

“Galaxy in some ways is the best Marvel movie ever,” Downey says with admiration. “And it’s odd for someone with — on occasion — an ego the size of mine to actually say that!”

Call me a nitpicker, but “in some ways” is not the phrase you choose when making an absolute declaration, so maybe that wasn’t what Downey was doing.

In some ways, a lazy misquote is worse than an intentional one.

See what I did there?

It’s Just A Dream

When I’m Earth Overlord, all dream sequences in movies and TV shows must be approved by my Ministry for the Eradication of Overused Tropes.

AUTUER: Oh no! Little Johnny fell down a well and can’t get out!

MINISTRY: What?!

AUTUER: Ha ha. I’m kidding. It’s just a dream having little to no importance to the plot, but it made a great clip to put in this week’s preview. Can I interest you in a cat jumping out from an unexpected place?

MINISTRY: Oh no! It’s the dungeons for you!

AUTUER: What?!

MINISTRY: Ha ha. We’re kidding. Your show is cancelled.

This Feedback is Worthless

Over the last couple of years I've received hundreds of emails from users of my List! and List! Lite apps. Most are for assistance or requests for additional features, the vast majority are courteous, and occasionally I get really nice emails such as this one:

Thank you! I just reviewed this app and it is better than 5 stars.
I love this List app and i cant tell you how many other apps i have tried and deleted and waisted money on.
Your app does everything i wanted and more.
As a firefighter-medic and working in a hospital to home life.. This app has a list for everything I need.
Thank you again

I also receive criticism, mostly through the reviews in the App Store. Sometimes it’s constructive.



Sometimes it's not.



And sometimes it's a little wacky.



But my favorite criticism is this email I received the other week.

This app is worthless....glad I did not pay anything for it.  It well be deleted....

What a maroon.

Clearly the free version of the app allowed you to determine that you didn't want to purchase the paid version, so it was of some worth to you as exhibited by your gladness. In return, I would prefer that you thank me for my consideration.

And what’s the point of sending me an email, but not leaving a bad review in the App Store to warn other people? If it was to convince me that you're a bit of a jerk, then mission accomplished, but I suppose the irony of your email is lost on you.

Candy Crush

Candy Crush is the kind of game R.J. Reynolds would make if they were peddling entertainment rather than cancer. The game itself is visually appealing, fun to play, and very addictive. It’s that last element that really adds the sleaze to the coercive monetization King Digital Entertainment uses to generate income.

I’m one of the 70% that’s never spent money on the game and never intend to, but was I tempted to pry open my wallet the other day when I saw this while playing:

Live forever! You mean I can pay something reasonable like $10 or $15 and just play the game continuously? I don’t have to wait or spend money to continue playing each and every time I run out of lives? That’s something I’d be willing to buy!

Oh, wait. By forever you mean the next two hours, not for all time. So if I lose lives at a rate of one each minute, how many “unlimited” lives can I get?

Let’s see… 117. 118. 119. Infinity. That adds up.

No thanks, I’ll spend my money elsewhere.

Just say no to coercive monetization. Play but don’t pay. Develop patience or spend your money on games that charge you upfront and allow you to play continuously.

Kentucky Fried Chickeny Meat

This is how it starts. You ask for honey and get honey sauce.

You ask for butter and get buttery spread.

At least the honey sauce contains contains 7% real honey, although my guess would be that’s disclosed on the packet for legal reasons. The buttery spread apparently contains no actual butter.

What’s next, chickeny meat?

Found Footage Needs to Get Lost

When I'm Earth Overlord, I'm going to ban found footage films for the greater artistic good.

It is not beneath my notice that many of the unwashed masses enjoy these films. In fact, that’s the problem. When a movie costing $15,000 grosses $193,355,800, that guarantees an endless supply of copycat films attempting to exploit the public’s lack of taste.

Seriously, once you’ve seen herky-jerky nausea-inducing footage from a video cam held by someone running full flight through a forest at night, you can check that off your bucket list and live a complete life without ever having that experience again.

If there’s anything that M. Night Shyamalan has taught us, it’s that one gimmick movies quickly lose their luster (if they had any in the first place). When’s the last time anyone saw a movie in Smell-O-Vision?

And don’t get me started on the 3D movie craze.

Security Theater

There’s this website I have to access occasionally for work, but the account password expires after a fixed period of time (a few months).

Fair enough. For security reasons, passwords should be changed periodically. Having them expire is a straightforward method to force users to comply with this policy. You log in, receive a notification that your password has expired, enter your old password once, your new password twice, and voila, your password is changed. All that's left to do is write it down on a sticky note and affix it to the front of your monitor.

The problem I’ve had with the way passwords expire for this particular account is that there’s no indication that the password has expired. If my password doesn’t work, I have no idea whether I just mistyped my password or it’s actually expired. As a result, if I enter the previously valid password too many times, I’m locked out of the account. Again there's no indication that this has happened. Wrong password. Expired password. Too many attempts. Bzzzzt! Try again. Fail.

What a great idea: a password policy that’s completely opaque to the people forced to use it. To change your password, you actually have to visit a separate website and, of course, none of the websites where you use your password link to it.

If you haven’t figured out yet where I’m heading with this story, it’s that I’ve been locked out of this account more than once. When that happens, I have to call the help desk to have my password reset.

Given the hostile design of the login process, I half expected my reset password to be a long string of Ms and Ns, all recited to me over a bad phone connection. Sorry, for security reasons, we can’t email it to you.

Fortunately it was surprisingly user friendly, but I immediately recognized the new password as one I was given previously: the six character company name plus three sequential digits.

The new password worked on the first try, but I wasn't forced to immediately change it, so it was obviously not temporary. That seems like a big pile of security stupid, but it’s their policy, so whatever. To my credit, I immediately headed over to the site I bookmarked to change it, but that option was nowhere to be found.

So now I have a password that’s easy to remember.

Security theater, adopting an ineffective or poorly implemented policy just to have a policy is worse than no policy at all; it consumes resources that could be more effectively allocated and gives a false belief that risk has been reduced.

Put more succinctly, the only security worse than no security is false security.